I first saw the ocean rising like a blue glass slope at the end of Ocean, after leaving city college, after my cello lesson.  So I went to the beach off the Great Highway, close to Lake Merced.  Walked out and saw names left carved under my feet as I passed and craved drawing so I found a stick to draw with.  A dinosaur first, had trouble with the legs, the feet were too big and I didn’t realize this until I stepped back, thought of leaving it because who am I trying to impress?  nobody damn you.   But then I changed them: because it was not about impressing, I decided, it was about honoring the form, the body I saw in my mind.  Honor, respect for beauty, respect for my own desire, what I want to see.

So then his feet were in proportion, and two kids ran over and asked “Is that a dinosaur?”

“I think so” I said.  The little boy asked,”What kind is it?”

“I think it’s a veloceraptor (me wondering… I think?  why don’t you know, or at least why don’t you make what you intended, what did you intend, and if changing the feet were for the integrity of  your will, how silly to be unsure of what the entire thing is in the first place?)

I continued,”Buut..I think (hmm) he is missing a claw, I need to draw the big toe claw…”

“It looks like a T-Rex to me, it’s a T-Rex” said the boy.

“Yeah”  I said.  hmm.  The little boy ran off to the water with his sister.  I stood over the dinosaur.  I didn’t add the toe claw.

I looked at the waves breaking and started drawing circles.  Big and smaller, my arms started to burn.  The little girl came over after a bit, tiny girl, maybe 3 or 4.

“Is that a meteor?”   wow, awesome.

“It looks like one doesn’t it?”  She found a rock and started scraping the sand with it, then tossed it away and dug her fingers in, digging like a dog.  Her brother joined.  They send splatters of wet dark sand across my meteor, it was pretty.  Like splatterings of paint.  Their mom ran over, “no! NO! watch where you are throwing sand, she is trying to create art!”

oh man.  “Oh no, I’m doing what they’re doing” I say.  You wish, I think silently.  But actually I was feeling good at that point.  I picked up some handfuls of sand and dribbled them across the meteor, but it didn’t look as much like paint splatters.  I thought about digging doggy style in the sand, but didn’t.

I picked up the stick and started walking around dragging lines through the sand as I went.  There was a dead:

Comoront. I drew a circle around it, and noticed a lady bug sitting inside my circle line. I drew an arrow pointing to it.

I drew a face.  The stick gave it a coloring book feel, or blue-prints.  A face sand sculpture was my plan.  All mine, it felt good,grabbing, scooping the sand, clawing it violently to gently pile on a nose, lips.  Smooth it, pat it down like you pat a horse’s neck – feels solid, powerful but has give, elasticity, fragility.  Be careful.  Make what you see, make sure you see what you are making.  I had to go to the bathroom so bad, but she had no eyes.  “Finish Me”  I wrote on her would-be forehead, and climbed up the dune.  But after the bathroom, I decided to stay.  I would finish.

Back on the sand, puppies ran from somewhere and climbed on my back.  I was surprised how light they were, and how hard I was laughing.  They crushed the nose on my face, I felt a little pain but… they were like children, so innocent, happy completely happy.  I picked-up the puppy, so worth some crumbling sand.

I focused on the eyes.  I felt the sun lowering, air lifting, light deepening at the brink of low clouds.  There were people around me, I hardly felt them, but could hear a man’s voice drifting in:  ” the tide comes all the way to the dunes, I don’t think she knows that”.

I smiled.  Because I am not making this for you, I thought.  I finished and walked to the water, feet in the water, washing sand from deep under my nails and glanced back.  The man’s daughter was standing over my face, taking pictures.  She was smiling too.

Right, this is right too.  I don’t have to make it for anyone, but it is right for it to be received.  To be shared.  Like puppies.